Chicken Slop For The 'Male Chauvinist Soul'

It’s not easy being a patriarch these days. Women, you see, no longer tend to go barefoot and ‘in the kitchen’, let alone the bedroom. At least not as a primary activity or role. How simple it was to not only have the final word, but to be THE word. To carry a patriarchal swagger that proclaimed to the world “I am dominant, I am alpha, and I am Man!!”

Yet, times and circumstances change, and even a stodgy patriarch must make adjustments and refinements. Difficult though it may be, it seems that courtesy, relationship, empathy, bonding, and other such experiential notions have become keywords for modern interpersonal times.

That being said, I offer up this Man Lesson, in a chicken sloppish kind of way. Here you will find validations and encouragements for men in the throes of the tumultuous and changing times that dictate that our chauvinistic ways are oh so politically incorrect:


Understanding—

Many books have been written by neo-gurus addressing the fact that men are, uh…different than women. I learned that a long time ago, when I spied on my mother taking a shower. She did not, I profoundly discovered, have a pee pee. If you need to read a book to further convince yourself that women and men are different, then there should be no difficulty finding about 5,348 in the local bookstore.

While these books proclaim that they will outline the gender differences and then coach you through the difficult task of putting the new knowledge into action that will enhance relationship, many guys seem to grow weary of the message and put the book down. Some will then drink a beer and watch some porn.

The primary thing to understand, I think, is that it may not be fully possible to understand women. And to try is to become a misuse of energy. “Me Tarzan, you Jane” may be outmoded and offensive, but it may be all the understanding that is actually needed. I have found that by offering up this level of appreciation for the fact that we are different means that I no longer have to club my woman in the head when I want, er…something from her.

Honor and embrace the difference between you and others.

Assumptions---

We have all heard the trite and tried adage: “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and your mama”, or something like that. Well, assumptions can be problematic. Often they are our own mental workings filling in a ‘testosterone-based void’ that screams for action. Now! And sometimes, ‘now’ just ain’t going to happen.

The main message we guys should take from reduced immediate gratification is that the world does not revolve around us. Might I suggest that you at least act like you know that it does not, and maybe even act like it does revolve around your partner once in awhile. (Whispering) And we will hold onto our little secret that in reality, the world really does revolve around you.

Check in with others to determine if the myths you are formulating are consistent with their reality.

Feelings---

These foo foo things have been mucking up the waters for a very long time. To become less chauvinist, a man must embrace his anima innards, and hope that this does not lead to people thinking that he is a homo- or metro-sexual. Unless of course he is a homo- or metro- sexual. Not that there is anything wrong with either one of those. Just not something a chauvinist pig is accustomed to thinking about.

Anyway, feelings. Ok, I can do sad and glad and mad and happy and afraid and hungry and horny and the great relief and satisfaction that comes following a full and complete bowel movement. Yes, I can do that. So, what is the problem?

Well, I guess when one steps down from the role of patriarch, one must do these feelings with another person. I have found that my partner, for instance, seems to like it when I do glad with her. She doesn’t like it when I do mad, or sometimes, she seems dispassionate about my 'evacuated fece-based contentment'.

If you are lucky, you may actually feel the feelings you are doing. Chicks really like that!

But, this stuff takes practice. So guys, try thinking of your partner, family, friends, and others not as underlings and subservients, but as peers and equals. See what happens with that. It may be awkward at first, but apparently it is the way of the times.


deorre

MAKE YOUR MARK!!

Be Kind To Your Testicles

I don't mean to over-state the obvious, but sometimes after a good whack to the crotch, certain insights generate a new clarity. And now, after having a basketball slam squarely into my testicular region, I know that the scrotum is nothing more than a container. Not a protective sac, really. Just a container and transport medium to get the ballage from point A to point B.

Do you ever wonder why the testicles are sooooo sensitive to assault? Why would these little orbs of reproductive verve lend themselves to such comprehensive and debilitating pain? Oh how I long for the protective shell afforded by nature to walnuts.

I suppose I could purchase a protective cup used by many an athlete who places the dangling duo at risk in pursuit of the win and the paycheck. But, like many other pieces of protective and aesthetic adornment, the cup is unwieldly. Though it does produce quite an impressive bulge. I'm just saying.

No, it seems quite clear to me that the reason such pain is generated from testicular assault is because the balls/nuts/gonads are essential to life. They are the marvelous pea pods of productivity, and without them, the species would suffer. Hormones and sperm and all such things.

So, guys (and gals), value your nuttage as the magnificently important team that they are. Protect them for the species. And, if you find it particularly necessary, find someone who will give the proverbial testicluar massage every once in a while.

Do it for the species.

FOR THE SPECIES, I SAY


deorre

Relax for the Species!!

Meaningful Conversation

Yes, guys. Meaningful conversation is something that we need to know about. Not only might it lead to ‘perpetuation of the species’ type activity, but it also becomes an opportunity to let the world—yes, the whole world—know, that you are a man.

I am Man, hear me, uh…, well, just hear me. If you are not going to be able to intuit what it is I need to say, then just hear me. Dammit.

Guys have often been accused of not being so good at this thing called communication. Interesting, since guys are purported to be very adept at acquiring communicable diseases. So, for guys like us, it is confusing.

Just because I had that pesky case of the clap back in the day does not automatically mean I was a good communicator. It doesn’t even necessarily mean that I was a good fornicator. So, to clear this up at the start, behaving like a wild and brawling sperm does not have anything to do with the issue at hand, which is meaningful conversation.

Typically, meaningful conversation means having to know yourself enough to comfortably disclose yourself to another. Hopefully an intimate other. Likelihood is that if you disclose yourself, then you may reap the reward of an intimate other. If you know what I mean.

So, now that I have your attention, guys, let’s move on. Disclosing yourself is not like exposing your penis, buttocks, or even that unruly tattoo that seems to emerge out of your rectum and climb up to wrap around your nipplage. No, disclosure is sharing in a loving and caring way. A way that lets your ‘communication target’ know that you are a deep and interesting individual who is self-confident enough to, well, communicate and disclose.

Do you talk about yourself, or do you talk about your communication target? Guys get mixed messages when it comes to this. Some say to talk about yourself because your communication target wishes to know who you are. Well, this is usually easy for men. Others say talk about your communication target, because she likes it when you pay attention and notice and dote and fawn and get all stupid and hard and erect and…Whoa—slow down Stallion! She likes it when you are interested enough in her to notice stuff she is wearing and to talk about how great it looks on her.

I have a few things I like to talk about when I am communicating meaningfully. Boasting of how much urine I can retain is always a winner. I have a large bladder, and what that may mean to a communication target is that I may have a large territory to rule. I will also disclose how much money I have won or lost on the last game I bet on. Girls seem more interested in basketball than baseball or football. Surprisingly, they do not seem interested in womens’ beach volleyball. I don’t understand that. They may impute a perverse attraction that I demonstrate while focusing more on the fleshy butt-cheeks than the actual play of the game.

And, if the communication target asks questions of me, I will gladly follow her lead. “How was your work today?” “Fine.” She may inquire more of this, and often becomes irritated with my answers. Or, shall I say, answer. I say “fine.” She gets irritated. What’s that about?

Well, she may just want to hear more. Like when I was young and my mother would intrude by asking more and more and more and I just did not want to give her all that information because it was none of her damned business and if she would just shut the f@#k up then we could get on with the rest of the day. Oh, pardon me for that little slip. Girls don’t like it when you converse with them that way, or even imply such with your non-verbal behavior.

If I shift the meaningful conversation from me to my communication target, I have a ‘fall back’ menu which I use if nothing spontaneous pops up. Girls like spontaneous, guys, unless of course it is an emission of bodily fluid.

I will always tell her how nice she looks, even if over dinner she is sweating like a pig and has food stuck to the side of her cheek. I will lie because I want to demonstrate that I care for her. Girls like that. And if, she likes it so much that she wants to give me some appreciation sex later on, I will even have a little snack to nibble off the side of her face. You know, the more stubbly her face is, the more food it can cling to.

I will never directly make mention of her beard, though I may tell her how pretty her hair looks. I will ask her about her family, and will not even flinch when she tells me her husband and children are fine. If I do show her the signs of being ill-at-ease, this may detract from the meaningful conversation I am attempting to achieve.

I once set out on a mission to show one communication target that I was an open and tolerant guy. Girls often like that, because it means I am not a chauvinist pig. Girls often do not like that. Anyway, I let her know that even though I have never been in prison, I do know what it is like to be the recipient of anal sex. I assured her that I was not a homosexual, not that there is anything wrong with that. I even let her know that the hospital staff seemed to appreciate my attempt at empathy as they were extracting the child-size baseball bat from my rectum.

My communication target seemed nonplussed, though when she raised her eyebrows at this self disclosure, I was sure I had accomplished yet another meaningful conversation.

So fellows, I know that this is a difficult one. Dirk Ledge, the goat man, would say that it is a creation of modern man that we have to even try to have meaningful conversation. This has something to do with how goats communicate, and I am still awaiting the full translation. None-the-less, if you practice and practice and practice, meaningful conversation need not be a barrier that prevents you from ultimately sexing it up for the species. Or, for that matter, from ‘wording it up’ with a communication target.


deorre


COMMUNICATION IS COOL!

Archetype of the Rectum

As I sit on the toilet for my morning bowel movement, I often browse through the newspaper. While not the specific focus of this post, such habits are addressed in Man Lessons, the series. This writing is about that 'aha!' experience that comes every so often when coincidence(?) expresses itself in the form of synchronistic vortex.

While achieving my rectal release, I see a picture and article on recent volcanic explosions. Volcanic explosions, I might add, that look remarkably similar to the peristaltic process of which I undergo in the name of biological 'input & output'. Otherwise known as the 'big blow', I am struck by the eerie likeness and power that comes with volcanic and fecal spew.

If there is regularity, then output will be calm and relatively uneventful. With merit and value, just not as actively cathartic. If there is build up, for, say, one day, two days, three weeks, or even six-thousand years, the the blow will have some 'punch'.

Cathartic release will span far beyond the boundaries of what an individual or a collective has prepared.


IS THERE REALLY ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SPEW OF VOLCANIC ASH AND THE FECAL SPIT OF AN IMPACTION DISSIPATED?


Embrace Your Rectum.



deorre

Clean Your Crotch!!

Remember when your mother used to say "don't go out in dirty underwear. You never know if you may wind up in the hospital!" Perhaps that's just an urban myth-adage, yet the point remains valid. And it applies succinctly to--yep, you guessed it guys--your crotch.

Let's be clear from the start. Women don't like dirty crotches. And they're not too fond of a guy who is constantly picking at his crotch because it itches as a result of being, errr...crotch-dirty. So for crying out loud, guys, CLEAN YOUR CROTCH.

Make it a habit, either in the morning or before bedtime. I won't go in to the basic practices of good hygeine. I am assuming that it is already there, inside of you. Momma taught you well, yes? She just never focused her lessons directly on your groin area. If you have a particularly smelly or sweaty crotch, clean it more often. Common sense, guys. CLEAN YOUR CROTCH.

Now, you may be asking "what's in it for me?" It's a legitimate question. Remember, I already said that women don't like dirty crotches. That means that they do like clean crotches. OK?

So, if you are out in the world, and you come across a nice lady who seems as interested in you as you are in her, maybe something will develop. With a clean crotch, you will have the self confidence that may give you that extra edge.

And who knows, perhaps the crotch will become a focal point of the interaction.

Then, a clean crotch is a definite advantage.

CLEAN YOUR CROTCH!


deorre

Meat Pudding

In the spirit of making life as easy as possible for all men, and the women they cohabit with, Dirk Ledge has suggested that the Man Lessons group compile a cookbook. This will be a compilation of newly invented meals as well as well researched offerings that fit the Man Lessons bill.

I thought it may be a nice touch to share a recipe here in Blog.

Meat Pudding

Ingredients:

Meat--Either bird, cow, pig, potato bug, earwig, or fish, to taste.

Eggs, milk, salt, garlic, sugar.

Intructions:

Take your meat and beat the crap out of it. After you have done that, you will need to chop it up into fairly small pieces that will blend easily with other ingredients.

Depending on how much you want to make, say for yourself, a family, or a party, take several handfuls of the mascerated meat and lob it into a blender. Pour in some milk. Add two to four eggs (it is best to take the shell off, though it does add a fun crunchiness with the shells).

Add spices to taste. This means if you like them, add them.

Now, put the cover on the blender. If you don't do this important step, your gooey substance may end up all over the kitchen, you, or the bathroom if that is where you do much of your cooking. Turn on blender and let it whir for approximately 7.356 minutes.

Now, pour the gooey, brown substance into a pan and heat it to a boil. Then, turn off the flame and let it sit for 5.12 minutes.

Pour the reulting calderon of meat fluid into happy little bowls that will be servable to fine diners. Chill for several hours.

Serve!

And guys, don't forget that girls like it when you cook for them.


I truly hope that you enjoy this delicacy, and wish you would offer feedback as to how it contributed to your fine, dining experience.

deorre


Add Ease

What Would Dirk Do?

Dirk Ledge brings a feral perspective to the issues and problems of daily living. Growing up among mountain goats, and then translating the wisdom of goat culture to a human lifestyle, Dirk brings a refreshingingly male perspective to nearly any circumstance that presents itself.

This is his advice column. I will translate for and from him, as he has not yet fully mastered verbal communication. I am not certain what it says about me that I am able to connect with this goatist, but I have found that my manhood and my life have been enhanced.

We would like to pass this benefit on to you, oh denizens of Blog. Like Ann Landers or any other popular advice columnist, Ledge welcomes all situations and questions.

He will provide a second opinion, or first opinion for that matter, on whatever it is that ails you. So bring it on, as they say. Help yourself by takng that first step.

WHAT WOULD DIRK DO?

deorre

Man Lessons: Dirk Ledge

It is a momentous time in the Man Lessons world. I am in the thick of working on a book that will be reminiscent of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. I have been woking diligently on this project, and will continue to do so into the near (and hopefully not far) future.

It has come to my attention that, though informative and easy to read, the Man Lessons thus far have been somewhat soft and gentle. May very well be related to the fact that many of the readers in Blog thought I was a freaking girl. I may have been unwittingly expressing such in my posts. Perhaps I needed a harder edge, for instance, in the masturbating in the shower piece.

Enter Dirk Ledge.

So I am bringing on a partner. Dirk, or Ledge as he likes to be called, will join the Man Lessons team, and bring on that edgy element that I am apparently too feminine to offer. I am not threatened by this. I will only become more of a man. As will the readers.

Dirk comes from a unique background. It is assumed that he was born to human parents, though there is nothing to verify this. He was raised by a group of mountain goats, far off in the Appalachian Mountains.

These goats were very bonded to Dirk, and he to them. It is widely accepted that they sexed each other up pretty often, and pretty thoroughly. Needless to say, Ledge became quite versed in the way of the animal, and has tittilated quite a few women since he transferred his affections to the human race.

Dirk Ledge knows how to survive. Why, he grew up eating cans and weeds and even poison ivy. He said that when his throat itched real bad, some of the metal he would eat scratched that itch real good.

More of what Ledge has experienced, and how that has translated into raw man wisdom, will come in our future entries. I believe he will balance out my tender side quite well. If anyone has questions for Ledge, please offer them up. It will be my job to keep him somewhat in check, so that he may be as responsive as possible.

Oh, and by the way, a complete compilation of previous Man Lessons is available in the Man Lessons group.


deorre

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