Adjusting Yourself

Men have to deal with their genitals. Before we get to talking about the process of adjusting said genitals, let's just get the juvenile genital guffaws out of the way.

What do we call the penis and testicles?

The package. The family jewels. Nuts. Balls. Dick. One-eyed chicken. Meat. Tube steak. Slippery lizard. Steve (at least that is what I've been told). If you care to add to this list, fine reader, please do so.

So, what to do with the pesky dangle. We've all been trained not to dive our hand down into the crotch to re-adjust some renegade testicle that insists on being squished between the thighs. It looks "gross" we are told, and perhaps it will not be conducive to striking up a conversation with a girl.

I thought that if I was playing pocket pool with my hang, it would indicate to a girl that I had man meat. Apparently, the assumption is that girls already know this. Ok. I guess that's good.

The Rules of the Adjustment

In the privacy of your own home, dive in and modify placement as indicated.

If you have company and you are cooking, wash your hands after addressing lie of the pesky penis. If your hands have been kneading ground beef or bread dough, you may want to wash your hands before going in.

Before going out into the world, do what you can to assure perfect placement of the genital unit. Tightie whities hold your stock in place, while boxers leave more room to roam. There are some recent improvements in boxers that may effectively address the issue. Jock straps are passe. And they can really stink.

When in a crowd, regardless of the need to 'adjust', do not do it. Girls may think you are a pervert, or dirty, or a self-involved self-stimmer. Wait until you can find some privacy, and do what you need to do.

Remember mind over matter. Sometimes, as with an itch, when you try to 'forget' about the mis-hang, it only becomes worse. Paradoxical, yes? It takes practice to pretend that your penis is not being squished beyond belief. And then, to do nothing about it. It may take years of practice to reach the point of rising above the genital fray. Practice, practice, practice.

Erections are just unfortunate. Well, not if you are trying to perpetuate the species. But if you are walking downtown, and to your horror, you notice that you have quite the opposite of a dangle, then you just have to somehow cover it up. With your hands, your brief case, a coat, or pulling your shirt out of tuck. Often, the sheer horror of this event will cause the very issue to 'dissipate'.
Once the arousal has dissipated, adjustment is most likely required. Refer to above rules.

There need be no shame in having to adjust the package. It is there, all sticking out and everything. What the hell are you supposed to do?

Just abide by the Man Lesson rules, and you should be fine.

deorre
Animus for Adjustment

The Bowel Movement

All men do it. They even have a plethora of names for it. "Taking a Duke", "Pinching a Loaf", "Taking a Dump", "Cheesing", and "Crapping to the Porcelain God", to name a few. Feel free, all ye guys, to add to the list.

No. There is nothing wrong with having a bowel movement. In fact, it is a biological necessity of life. And, in case you didn't know, women do it too. They also have names for it, but this is a Man Lesson.

The problem is the daily report. "Oh man, I just had a great dump!" Or, "I know you don't want to hear about this, but this one was sooooo long!" Fellas, women do not want to hear this.

They know you do it. They hear you do it. They smell it. They often clean up after it. So truly, it is not necessary to offer up the morning (if you are regular) report on rectal output. It's OK. Glad it's good, and leave it at that.

Some guys like to spend a bit of time on the toilet, with their magazine. This is good. Give the body time to perform it's peristalsis (the rhythmic activity within the intestines of, er...squeezing it out). It is good etiquette to organize around your special time in the water closet. Check with others. See if they may need to be in there oh, any time between now and the next two hours. It's polite. Arrange that, and then, go at it.

Remember, though, once you exit your little poop party, DO NOT REPORT. You can talk about it here, but nowhere else. OK?!?

Say after me: I WILL NOT TALK ABOUT MY DUMP WITH ANYONE. Only on this post is it ok to talk about your fecal release.

I think you will find that this little bit of advice will prove beneficial to you and your relationship.


deorre

Nothing Says 'I Love You' Like...

Previous Man Lessons have addressed the fairly banal issues of the crotch and the bowel movement. Let's get serious today, huh guys?

Do you know how to let that special person know that you love them? Now, there are always flowers, cards, massages, going out to a fine dining experience, and the like. These are good things. Keep on doing them. They will probably 'get you some'. It just may be, though, that they are not enough.

What your partner would truly like and appreciate is for you to demonstrate that you think about him or her in such ways that you can surprise with unique and creative efforts that are specifically tailored to your partners' individual nuances. Or, more simply, take the time to know your partner such that you are in a position to shower with that 'one-in-a-million' gift.

Yes, this takes time and effort. Time and effort demonstrate that you care about this person enough to, errr, invest your time and effort. It's a simple concept.

You like football, you spend time watching football. You probably do not spend time viewing a yarn-spinning contest because you don't like yarn-spinning.
You like/love your partner, you invest time and effort. Again--INVEST TIME AND EFFORT.

If you care to share what unique ways you can demonstrate to your partner that you really care, now is the time. Write it down, here.

If you are a partner, feel free to share what you would like as an expression of love from your partner.

NOTHING SAYS I LOVE YOU MORE THAN....


deorre

Stop Lying!

So men, do you really think you have to pretend to like her cooking to get a little action? Or do you think you have to sacrifice the Saturday morning golf game because her mood will be too intolerable if you do golf?

Well, think again. Putting on the facade of whatever it is you think she wants you to be is only going to get you immediate rewards, at best. The problem, though, is sustaining the charade.

This takes energy, and it takes you away from what you really have to bring to the relationship. If you are really you, then you will be able to offer something she really likes.

Emotional intimacy. This stuff is the greatest foreplay you can imagine. She will love it. Being close to her man, feeling your presence right here and now, is mahvelous. You will score points, who knows what else, and likely have a great relationship too.

Of course, the risk of being you is that she may not like you. After all, she may have become accustomed to the fool you were pretending to be. If this is the case, and the relationship is unsalvageable, then it is probably best for both of you to move on.

Be honest, be you, and reap the rewards.

deorre

The Embarrassment of an Untidy Rectum

The rectum. You know what I’m talking about, right guys? The anus. The butthole. Brownie. Whatever. Now, you may be thinking that here he goes off on another bio-humor rant. Well, that’s just not the case. For men, I feel I need to shed some light on this particularly dark subject. Yes. I would like to shed some light on that sensitive and taboo (?) area, er…, uh…,where the sun don’t shine.

My wisdom on the subject comes from having a rectum for much longer than most of you lovely readers. That’s just an age thing, and I know that even a young whipper-snapper may have some pretty significant rectal insights. I welcome them, though I will not bend over backward to coax them in. In fact, I won’t be bending over at all during this Man Lesson.

Before addressing the embarrassment of an untidy rectum, I feel compelled to state the obvious. If you have a tidy and clean rectum, kudos to you. This is an asset in so many ways. You have listened to your mother, your doctor, your wife, or that irascible nurse who was treating you for that annoying case of syphilis back in ‘the day’. Again, kudos.

Like a bowel movement in waiting for much longer than nature intended the wait to be, I feel the crescendo of your anticipation. “Please tell me, you may be pleading within the very bowels of your psyche, “under what circumstances is an untidy rectum embarrassing?

Job interviews. Always embarrassing to fidget and squirm during the interview process, trying to rearrange your sticky and brown underwear so that it no longer “lumps up. By the way, if your squirming does not give you away (and it will), the stench that comes from your untidy rectum is typically unmistakable.

Intimate encounters. Particularly, if you are fortunate enough to have the face of your partner ‘down there’ in the rectal region. Untidiness of rectum may mean that little pieces of used toilet paper fall off and become…a distraction. This is embarrassing. (Or so I’ve been told).

Proctology appointments. How disgusting when the primary barrier to the ‘entry’ is not your anticipatory angst, but the fudgy residue of poor and untidy rectal habits.

When someone else does your laundry. A primary symptom of untidy rectal disorder (URD) is the skid marks that are particularly prominent on your ‘tighty whities’. What can you say when this is seen by your cleaning professional? Nothing but “I have an untidy rectum".

If you have an untidy rectum, or may even be diagnosed with Untidy Rectal Disorder, the first thing you must do is acknowledge that the condition is there. This is not for the benefit of anybody but your self. Everybody else already knows, by the way.

DO YOU HAVE AN UNTIDY RECTUM?


deorre

Satans' Surgery & Sperm Slinging

What's a poor boy to do? He wants to have sex. He really wants to have sex. He does not want to have a baby, but he really does not want to use rubbers/condoms/sheaths/raincoats. They take away some of the pleasure, you know.

A vasectomy. He decides to have a vasectomy. To get cut. Slit the tube between the testicles and... the pleasure shoot, shall we say? Ok, the decision is made.

Who knew? Who really knew he would run into resistance about this seemingly personal choice? As he approaches the vasectomy clinic, there are placards and protesters, stating he is murdering poor, innocent sperm. And you know, that sperm could turn into life. Some say it is life.

He wonders if someone will throw a vial of fresh sperm on his newly purchased coat, and hopes it won't stain if that indeed does occur. Someone yells out to him: "You know, they perform Satan's Surgery here!"

He pauses, and decides that he will think about this Satan Surgery thing for awhile.

He can always masturbate. Can't he?

deorre

Are You Listening?

Men, listen up! Ahem--men, listen up! MEN, LISTEN UP, DAMMIT! Oh yeah, you don't do that. I forgot.

Ok guys, this may be a bit difficult, but I want you to pay attention to this post. I want you to focus, and actually HEAR the message of this post. Because if you can do it here, then you will be closer to being able to do it with a live, in person, human being. That, by the way, is called COMMUNICATION.

Basically, communication is a good thing. Girls like it. It makes them feel closer to you. Listening is a big part of communication, and can turn into this thing called EMOTIONAL INTIMACY. Chicks like it when you say those words, and they really like it when you actually become emotionally intimate.

When you listen to what girls say, you start to know who they are, what they want, where they want to go, and WHAT THEY MAY WANT TO DO FOR YOU.

I'll bet you heard that last sentence, huh? That's because it became about you.
A barrier to communication is that people nod their heads alot, as if they are listening. They're really not, and it's usually pretty obvious. Men often do this. It takes practice listening to stuff that's not about you. But it is a good thing. It's called what? COMMUNICATION.

It's important for you guys to be aware of how you have not listened in the past, and aware of how it has had a negative impact on your relationship. I know, this is sounding pretty foo foo. But, if you become a better listener, you partner may want to give you good stuff. Remember, this is good.

For the good of the male collective here in Blog, please share how your lack of listening skills have led to, er...unfortunate consequences. And ladies, feel free to add on to this lecture.

HOW HAS NOT LISTENING HAD AN IMPACT ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP? (An awareness raising assignment).

deorre

Brawling Sperm

Okay. So guys have a feminine element inside their little psyches. We have a soft side, that will nurture and hold and embrace and love and clean and feed and nest and…MAKE ME FEEL LIKE I’VE BECOME MY MOMMY!

Uh, no thanks.

I like to spit, I have a dirty, smelly crotch, and I just don’t listen all that well. So, sue me, for crying out loud. When did it become such a bad thing to ride the testosterone wave of hyper-machismo?

I’m a man, dammit!

Perhaps I am but an extension of the brawling sperm that brought me into this world. Random, chaotic, aggressive, competitive, and an advocate of leaving the toilet seat UP.

You know you like it, right girls? After all, you have an inner man in you. The animus is that thing in your psyche that some may refer to as the beast. You know you want to fart and belch.

I understand that we are a civilized people and that political correctness is important. We seek balance and moderation, and respect of others. Tolerance is key, acceptance is wonderful, and diversity is beautiful. Okay. I can hang with that.

After I take a crap, leave the toilet seat up, wash my hands by wiping “it off on my pants, and inquire as to why you seem offended. I don’t mean to offend you. In fact, I’d like it if you accepted me in all my beastly, crude, and vile ways.
In fact, YOU OFFEND ME BY BEING OFFENDED BY ME!

I know, though, that today I must ‘manage’ my anger and psychotransmute it into valuable energy that will ‘collectivate’ into a synergy that benefits the whole. Oh yes, and I’m told this will make me feel better.

I WASN’T FEELING BAD IN THE FIRST PLACE!

Go ahead, though, you guys who have been ‘steered’ into thinking that the new man, the metrosexual, is the way of the future. The way, perhaps also, to ‘score’. Go ahead and embrace your anima, woosie boys.

I need to go fight a tiger, or something.



deorre
Defusing the Stress of Life with Satire & Irony

The Shower

Some things just should not be taken for granted. Every guy knows how to take a shower, right? Turn the water on so it starts to warm, strip, jump in, soap up, rinse off, dry, get dressed. Simple.

Unless the guy has some sort of hydro-Attention Deficit Disorder, and finds all sorts of other activities to keep him occupied while standing nude in the man-made rain machine.

There are many things that contribute to the gender wars, and some of the actions I shall now discuss are but grains of sand in the overall heap that separates men and women in the great divide. Men, just assume that if you engage in these, girls will not like you--

The Belch--

This typically comes from drinking too much water from the shower tap. The burp, though, is nothing less than extraordinary! Acoustics are great in the shower, so the belch is LOUD. Now, this is very satisfying while it is happening, but it will get you funny looks when you enter a room where others (who heard the performance) are.

Singing--

We all do it. I think even some girls do it. Shh...but don't let them know you hear them. They get shy about that kind of stuff. Anyway, most of you guys do not have good voices, cannot keep good time, and generally suck when you sing. Just because of the afore-mentioned good acoustics does not mean you are good. And everyone in the house can hear just how not good you are.

The Erection--

What to do with this. Standing there, all "up" and everything. You look around to see if anyone is around and may notice your grand hardness. Then you figure, "well I got to wash this thing", so...you start soaping it up. Hmmm. Maybe at this point something other than good hygeine is taking place. And that's alright. Hell, do what you got to do. The danger, of course, is twofold. You may develop a strange erotic connection to showers and, er...release. Or, your partner may become jealous of your 'special' shower time. So, be cautious, and by all means, keep it clean.

Snot--

There is nothing like a good 'blow it out' experience in the shower. No nose blow outside, with tissue, compares. You can just let it fly. Very comprehensive. This can be very loud, and very disturbing to those not understanding your man-need to blow so vigorously.

Urine--

This is a big one. How can you not pee in the shower? I mean, there you are, naked, in running water. There's a drain right there. Hell, it probably saves water in that you don't have to flush the toilet. They say this also may help fight athletes foot. Urine. Just pee on your feet, then rinse. Simple. Urine can also help with the snot. If, after a good blow, you see some snot on the wall, or ground, and it is kind of sticky, just pee on it until it breaks loose. It's a great utilization of a natural resource, eh?

Remember, showering is but a microcosm of the rest of your life.

WHAT STRANGE THINGS DO YOu DO IN THE SHOWER?


deorre

Saliva Propulsion Immersion Technique (SPIT)

Alright men, I got past the headline with the really clever acronym. Saliva Propulsion Immersion Technique (SPIT). Spitting is something detested by girls, so I needed to create a 'scientific' nomenclature for this extremely important reality of male social development.

There is a dance and we men must find the right steps. If you want a girl, you have to effectively manage your saliva. Yet, if you want to be a man, you have to spit. So the first thing is to develop a sense of when it is NOT OK to propel the mouthy substance.

This is really simple. If there are girls around, and you think you might want one, don't spit. If you are not attracted to any, and you want them to go away, then spit. Spit alot.

Now, if you are just hanging with the guys, then spitting is cool. Everybody just standing around, in an informal circle, tilting head forward, and dropping a load. Nothing quite like the look of a sidewalk where a bunch of dudes have completed a COLLECTIVE SPAT. A real bonding. Add a drum or two, and you have a freaking man-ritual.

Speaking of rituals, a man needs to train his son how to spit. And of course, when to spit. Again, if there are girls around, it is Saliva Propulsion Immersion Technique. If it's just the guys, it's SPIT.

When teaching your son how to spit, there are some basic lessons to go over. Once you have offered those up, it's then up to the young fledgling spittee to create his own flair and style.

There is the lugee, which consists of saliva and snot, and can be propelled great distances. It is ok to simply drop a lugee straight down, too. There is the blow technique, where you use the air in your mouth to shoot for greater distance. Many a contest has been borne out of this style--again, a male bonding episode. And then there is the basic hang, with variations. Tilting head forward, and letting it drop. This is when you are proud of what you have created, and the puddle at your feet is your badge of honor. A variation of this is the 'hang time' spit. With a little mucus, you can hang a spit for nearly a minute before letting it drop!

So there you have it. SPIT.

deorre
Spitting for the Species

The Kitchen

It is no secret. Everybody eats food. Well, there are the breath and urine people, but other than that, most people eat food. It's got something to do with the survival of the species. Like sex.

That's right guys. Think of food preparation as if it was sex, and you will go a long way toward improving your independent living skills. It will help, and your uncle Sigmund will twitter with glee in his grave at the thought of the pleasure principle coming full circle.

You can spend a good deal of time doing 'prep' work when working with food, or you can achieve your sustenance quickly. There are benefits to each. It is really a matter of personal preference. Guys, that means you pick the one that you like.

Do remember, though, that girls like to take their time with 'prep'. Alot of prep. Before complaining about all the prep, keep in mind that this type of food foreplay can lead to an explosion of eating pleasure. This is good, and may contribute to the perpetuation of the species.

If you decide to cook food, one thing to remember is that it will 'reduce'. I think this is a scientific thing, so bear with me. Apparently, if you buy a bunch of spinach, for instance, and then cook it, it will no longer look like the amount you bought. Wierd, eh? It gets smaller! Damn. Who thought of that?!? Confusing, I know, but that's what happens.

This reducing thing is a principle that happens to vegetables and roots, and stuff like that. I think raisins will reduce, too. Peanut butter does not reduce, and, like cottage cheese, will get real messy.

You would think that buffalo, cow, and pig should reduce. It does not. So, you don't have to buy too much of the meat. It goes alot further than the reducing foods.

Cooking is messy. Pans, spoons, knives, dishes, and your clothes. Also the counter, the floor, and sometimes, the ceiling. Cooking is messy. So as much as you guys hate it, you will have to clean up after the cooking experience has been consumated. Deal with it.

Sometimes girls get mad because they find a dirty plate that is stacked with all the clean plates. Do not argue! Just repeat over and over, "I did the dishes, I did the dishes, I did the dishes." And, next time you empty the dishwasher, make sure the damn thing has been run.

There is alot more to cooking than what has been covered here, guys. But it's a tough subject and we need to go slow. These are just some ideas to help you get started. And if it seems too confusing or scary, there is bologna or peanut butter. And a whole bunch of instant soup. Fast food joints are always there to perform their deeds in the name of the species.

And sometimes even girls like the fast food. Wham, bam, eat the ham(burger).
It's just that it is over so quickly.


deorre

Welcome To Man Lessons

Men and women are different. These are modern times, and many will become agitated by this observation. Yet, being the dinosaur that I apparently am, I cannot pretend that there exists a gender neutrality. As if metro-man will become metro-woman, or type A woman will become type A man.

Sorry. Been there, done that. This site is for men and the partners who 'hang' with them. Here, there may be a touch of irreverance while traversing the gender divide. It's all good. It's all in the name of observation, teaching, and awareness.

With a touch of satire and irony.

MAY WE ALL EVOLVE, SOMEHOW

deorre