The Embarrassment of an Untidy Rectum

The rectum. You know what I’m talking about, right guys? The anus. The butthole. Brownie. Whatever. Now, you may be thinking that here he goes off on another bio-humor rant. Well, that’s just not the case. For men, I feel I need to shed some light on this particularly dark subject. Yes. I would like to shed some light on that sensitive and taboo (?) area, er…, uh…,where the sun don’t shine.

My wisdom on the subject comes from having a rectum for much longer than most of you lovely readers. That’s just an age thing, and I know that even a young whipper-snapper may have some pretty significant rectal insights. I welcome them, though I will not bend over backward to coax them in. In fact, I won’t be bending over at all during this Man Lesson.

Before addressing the embarrassment of an untidy rectum, I feel compelled to state the obvious. If you have a tidy and clean rectum, kudos to you. This is an asset in so many ways. You have listened to your mother, your doctor, your wife, or that irascible nurse who was treating you for that annoying case of syphilis back in ‘the day’. Again, kudos.

Like a bowel movement in waiting for much longer than nature intended the wait to be, I feel the crescendo of your anticipation. “Please tell me, you may be pleading within the very bowels of your psyche, “under what circumstances is an untidy rectum embarrassing?

Job interviews. Always embarrassing to fidget and squirm during the interview process, trying to rearrange your sticky and brown underwear so that it no longer “lumps up. By the way, if your squirming does not give you away (and it will), the stench that comes from your untidy rectum is typically unmistakable.

Intimate encounters. Particularly, if you are fortunate enough to have the face of your partner ‘down there’ in the rectal region. Untidiness of rectum may mean that little pieces of used toilet paper fall off and become…a distraction. This is embarrassing. (Or so I’ve been told).

Proctology appointments. How disgusting when the primary barrier to the ‘entry’ is not your anticipatory angst, but the fudgy residue of poor and untidy rectal habits.

When someone else does your laundry. A primary symptom of untidy rectal disorder (URD) is the skid marks that are particularly prominent on your ‘tighty whities’. What can you say when this is seen by your cleaning professional? Nothing but “I have an untidy rectum".

If you have an untidy rectum, or may even be diagnosed with Untidy Rectal Disorder, the first thing you must do is acknowledge that the condition is there. This is not for the benefit of anybody but your self. Everybody else already knows, by the way.

DO YOU HAVE AN UNTIDY RECTUM?


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