Archetype of the Rectum

As I sit on the toilet for my morning bowel movement, I often browse through the newspaper. While not the specific focus of this post, such habits are addressed in Man Lessons, the series. This writing is about that 'aha!' experience that comes every so often when coincidence(?) expresses itself in the form of synchronistic vortex.

While achieving my rectal release, I see a picture and article on recent volcanic explosions. Volcanic explosions, I might add, that look remarkably similar to the peristaltic process of which I undergo in the name of biological 'input & output'. Otherwise known as the 'big blow', I am struck by the eerie likeness and power that comes with volcanic and fecal spew.

If there is regularity, then output will be calm and relatively uneventful. With merit and value, just not as actively cathartic. If there is build up, for, say, one day, two days, three weeks, or even six-thousand years, the the blow will have some 'punch'.

Cathartic release will span far beyond the boundaries of what an individual or a collective has prepared.


IS THERE REALLY ANY DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE SPEW OF VOLCANIC ASH AND THE FECAL SPIT OF AN IMPACTION DISSIPATED?


Embrace Your Rectum.



deorre

Clean Your Crotch!!

Remember when your mother used to say "don't go out in dirty underwear. You never know if you may wind up in the hospital!" Perhaps that's just an urban myth-adage, yet the point remains valid. And it applies succinctly to--yep, you guessed it guys--your crotch.

Let's be clear from the start. Women don't like dirty crotches. And they're not too fond of a guy who is constantly picking at his crotch because it itches as a result of being, errr...crotch-dirty. So for crying out loud, guys, CLEAN YOUR CROTCH.

Make it a habit, either in the morning or before bedtime. I won't go in to the basic practices of good hygeine. I am assuming that it is already there, inside of you. Momma taught you well, yes? She just never focused her lessons directly on your groin area. If you have a particularly smelly or sweaty crotch, clean it more often. Common sense, guys. CLEAN YOUR CROTCH.

Now, you may be asking "what's in it for me?" It's a legitimate question. Remember, I already said that women don't like dirty crotches. That means that they do like clean crotches. OK?

So, if you are out in the world, and you come across a nice lady who seems as interested in you as you are in her, maybe something will develop. With a clean crotch, you will have the self confidence that may give you that extra edge.

And who knows, perhaps the crotch will become a focal point of the interaction.

Then, a clean crotch is a definite advantage.

CLEAN YOUR CROTCH!


deorre

Meat Pudding

In the spirit of making life as easy as possible for all men, and the women they cohabit with, Dirk Ledge has suggested that the Man Lessons group compile a cookbook. This will be a compilation of newly invented meals as well as well researched offerings that fit the Man Lessons bill.

I thought it may be a nice touch to share a recipe here in Blog.

Meat Pudding

Ingredients:

Meat--Either bird, cow, pig, potato bug, earwig, or fish, to taste.

Eggs, milk, salt, garlic, sugar.

Intructions:

Take your meat and beat the crap out of it. After you have done that, you will need to chop it up into fairly small pieces that will blend easily with other ingredients.

Depending on how much you want to make, say for yourself, a family, or a party, take several handfuls of the mascerated meat and lob it into a blender. Pour in some milk. Add two to four eggs (it is best to take the shell off, though it does add a fun crunchiness with the shells).

Add spices to taste. This means if you like them, add them.

Now, put the cover on the blender. If you don't do this important step, your gooey substance may end up all over the kitchen, you, or the bathroom if that is where you do much of your cooking. Turn on blender and let it whir for approximately 7.356 minutes.

Now, pour the gooey, brown substance into a pan and heat it to a boil. Then, turn off the flame and let it sit for 5.12 minutes.

Pour the reulting calderon of meat fluid into happy little bowls that will be servable to fine diners. Chill for several hours.

Serve!

And guys, don't forget that girls like it when you cook for them.


I truly hope that you enjoy this delicacy, and wish you would offer feedback as to how it contributed to your fine, dining experience.

deorre


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What Would Dirk Do?

Dirk Ledge brings a feral perspective to the issues and problems of daily living. Growing up among mountain goats, and then translating the wisdom of goat culture to a human lifestyle, Dirk brings a refreshingingly male perspective to nearly any circumstance that presents itself.

This is his advice column. I will translate for and from him, as he has not yet fully mastered verbal communication. I am not certain what it says about me that I am able to connect with this goatist, but I have found that my manhood and my life have been enhanced.

We would like to pass this benefit on to you, oh denizens of Blog. Like Ann Landers or any other popular advice columnist, Ledge welcomes all situations and questions.

He will provide a second opinion, or first opinion for that matter, on whatever it is that ails you. So bring it on, as they say. Help yourself by takng that first step.

WHAT WOULD DIRK DO?

deorre

Man Lessons: Dirk Ledge

It is a momentous time in the Man Lessons world. I am in the thick of working on a book that will be reminiscent of the Chicken Soup for the Soul series. I have been woking diligently on this project, and will continue to do so into the near (and hopefully not far) future.

It has come to my attention that, though informative and easy to read, the Man Lessons thus far have been somewhat soft and gentle. May very well be related to the fact that many of the readers in Blog thought I was a freaking girl. I may have been unwittingly expressing such in my posts. Perhaps I needed a harder edge, for instance, in the masturbating in the shower piece.

Enter Dirk Ledge.

So I am bringing on a partner. Dirk, or Ledge as he likes to be called, will join the Man Lessons team, and bring on that edgy element that I am apparently too feminine to offer. I am not threatened by this. I will only become more of a man. As will the readers.

Dirk comes from a unique background. It is assumed that he was born to human parents, though there is nothing to verify this. He was raised by a group of mountain goats, far off in the Appalachian Mountains.

These goats were very bonded to Dirk, and he to them. It is widely accepted that they sexed each other up pretty often, and pretty thoroughly. Needless to say, Ledge became quite versed in the way of the animal, and has tittilated quite a few women since he transferred his affections to the human race.

Dirk Ledge knows how to survive. Why, he grew up eating cans and weeds and even poison ivy. He said that when his throat itched real bad, some of the metal he would eat scratched that itch real good.

More of what Ledge has experienced, and how that has translated into raw man wisdom, will come in our future entries. I believe he will balance out my tender side quite well. If anyone has questions for Ledge, please offer them up. It will be my job to keep him somewhat in check, so that he may be as responsive as possible.

Oh, and by the way, a complete compilation of previous Man Lessons is available in the Man Lessons group.


deorre

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