Chicken Slop For The 'Male Chauvinist Soul'

It’s not easy being a patriarch these days. Women, you see, no longer tend to go barefoot and ‘in the kitchen’, let alone the bedroom. At least not as a primary activity or role. How simple it was to not only have the final word, but to be THE word. To carry a patriarchal swagger that proclaimed to the world “I am dominant, I am alpha, and I am Man!!”

Yet, times and circumstances change, and even a stodgy patriarch must make adjustments and refinements. Difficult though it may be, it seems that courtesy, relationship, empathy, bonding, and other such experiential notions have become keywords for modern interpersonal times.

That being said, I offer up this Man Lesson, in a chicken sloppish kind of way. Here you will find validations and encouragements for men in the throes of the tumultuous and changing times that dictate that our chauvinistic ways are oh so politically incorrect:


Understanding—

Many books have been written by neo-gurus addressing the fact that men are, uh…different than women. I learned that a long time ago, when I spied on my mother taking a shower. She did not, I profoundly discovered, have a pee pee. If you need to read a book to further convince yourself that women and men are different, then there should be no difficulty finding about 5,348 in the local bookstore.

While these books proclaim that they will outline the gender differences and then coach you through the difficult task of putting the new knowledge into action that will enhance relationship, many guys seem to grow weary of the message and put the book down. Some will then drink a beer and watch some porn.

The primary thing to understand, I think, is that it may not be fully possible to understand women. And to try is to become a misuse of energy. “Me Tarzan, you Jane” may be outmoded and offensive, but it may be all the understanding that is actually needed. I have found that by offering up this level of appreciation for the fact that we are different means that I no longer have to club my woman in the head when I want, er…something from her.

Honor and embrace the difference between you and others.

Assumptions---

We have all heard the trite and tried adage: “When you assume, you make an ass out of you and your mama”, or something like that. Well, assumptions can be problematic. Often they are our own mental workings filling in a ‘testosterone-based void’ that screams for action. Now! And sometimes, ‘now’ just ain’t going to happen.

The main message we guys should take from reduced immediate gratification is that the world does not revolve around us. Might I suggest that you at least act like you know that it does not, and maybe even act like it does revolve around your partner once in awhile. (Whispering) And we will hold onto our little secret that in reality, the world really does revolve around you.

Check in with others to determine if the myths you are formulating are consistent with their reality.

Feelings---

These foo foo things have been mucking up the waters for a very long time. To become less chauvinist, a man must embrace his anima innards, and hope that this does not lead to people thinking that he is a homo- or metro-sexual. Unless of course he is a homo- or metro- sexual. Not that there is anything wrong with either one of those. Just not something a chauvinist pig is accustomed to thinking about.

Anyway, feelings. Ok, I can do sad and glad and mad and happy and afraid and hungry and horny and the great relief and satisfaction that comes following a full and complete bowel movement. Yes, I can do that. So, what is the problem?

Well, I guess when one steps down from the role of patriarch, one must do these feelings with another person. I have found that my partner, for instance, seems to like it when I do glad with her. She doesn’t like it when I do mad, or sometimes, she seems dispassionate about my 'evacuated fece-based contentment'.

If you are lucky, you may actually feel the feelings you are doing. Chicks really like that!

But, this stuff takes practice. So guys, try thinking of your partner, family, friends, and others not as underlings and subservients, but as peers and equals. See what happens with that. It may be awkward at first, but apparently it is the way of the times.


deorre

MAKE YOUR MARK!!

Be Kind To Your Testicles

I don't mean to over-state the obvious, but sometimes after a good whack to the crotch, certain insights generate a new clarity. And now, after having a basketball slam squarely into my testicular region, I know that the scrotum is nothing more than a container. Not a protective sac, really. Just a container and transport medium to get the ballage from point A to point B.

Do you ever wonder why the testicles are sooooo sensitive to assault? Why would these little orbs of reproductive verve lend themselves to such comprehensive and debilitating pain? Oh how I long for the protective shell afforded by nature to walnuts.

I suppose I could purchase a protective cup used by many an athlete who places the dangling duo at risk in pursuit of the win and the paycheck. But, like many other pieces of protective and aesthetic adornment, the cup is unwieldly. Though it does produce quite an impressive bulge. I'm just saying.

No, it seems quite clear to me that the reason such pain is generated from testicular assault is because the balls/nuts/gonads are essential to life. They are the marvelous pea pods of productivity, and without them, the species would suffer. Hormones and sperm and all such things.

So, guys (and gals), value your nuttage as the magnificently important team that they are. Protect them for the species. And, if you find it particularly necessary, find someone who will give the proverbial testicluar massage every once in a while.

Do it for the species.

FOR THE SPECIES, I SAY


deorre

Relax for the Species!!